Repair My Heart

“You doing good?”

I wish I could

But good? I should.

‘Course “I’m doing fine”

Not “Hi,

I want to die,”

Just

“No of course I’m fine,”

But I’ve crossed the line

I look behind

And see the place

Back in space   

Where I decided death

Was the better option.   

I’ve taken up adoption   

To the moron

And now he’s gone

And so am I: the pawn.

But what about the rest?

To live: Start in the shop of life

You don’t get to come here twice

But now I’m stuck with all this strife.

May I have a knife?

How to escape?

It’s seems there is

Just sun and moon and sun

And I’m done

I haven’t won

But don’t be stunned

You gave me the gun.   

And to see the gate

Of heaven, of hell

Ringing bells

Or screams and yells   

Just don’t make me live.

Now I’m probably overthinking

I’m sinking

Hit the rock of

The brain’s labor of love

Sorry?   

Love is not my   

Way to fly,

More to die.

No not feeling.   

Unappealing.

They’re just stealing

Whatever’s left inside this hollow skull.

A song of sleep to lull

But not to sleep

Harder than logically thinking.

Blinking

Back tears

Don’t let your peers

See your cares.

Over the years

Building up your fears.

Can you please just repair-

I don’t know where to start,

I’m not that smart

But maybe if you start   

With what we took apart.

So then can you please jumpstart

My heart?

My Fault

Stop blaming yourself.
You are not the cause.

Let it go, dear.

You just want attention.

… But it was my fault.

Stop cutting yourself.

It’s all in your head.

Stop it now, dear.

You’re so ugly and fat.

… But it is my fault.

Stop thinking that way.

It is in your head.

Talk to me, dear.

You’re grades are so awful.

Mom is disappointed.

… But it’s all my fault.

Go get some help, please.

You need to get meds.

You’re not fine, dear.

See, even your friends turned.

They know you’re horrible.

You shouldn’t be alive.

… And it’s all my fault.

I can’t believe it.

We tried to help her.

But now she’s gone.

… Really, it is their fault.

I Win

“Don’t touch my soul with dirty hands,”

I demand.

“Why not? It’s not like you can stop

Me, you flop,

You sad excuse for a perfect kid.”

“God please

Forgive

Forbid

Him to touch it again please.”

“Oh your little god, he does not

Care you ought

To know that by now. Give me that

To work at.”

“No. You will not take it again.

You cause pain.”

“Exactly. Now give up, you won’t win.

You fall.

You sin.

I win.”

________________

I know I don’t normally put little excerpts after poems, but I asked a few people to read this, and then what they thought about it, and everyone came up with something different. So my question is, what did you think I was talking about?

Thanks guys,

Amelika Kaumaha

The Pulse

You can still hear the shots echoing through the air.

You can still imagine the horrible pain,

Insane.

And the people’s tears fall like rain,

I bet it’s hard to bare.

As I sit in the tree, Orlando is calmer,

And as you watch the people go rushing by,

I lie,

If I say the city is fine.

My country is a goner.

So I watch from high in the sky, in this tree inn

And look down on the buildings set under me,

Safety?

That’s very hard to find these days

With so many easy-done sins.

________________

I was in Orlando recently, and drove by The Pulse. It is scary, seeing it in person, but touching, seeing how so many people had gathered in memorial. We were still downtown, and we found an amazing tree. It must’ve been hundreds of years old, with it’s branches sweeping on the ground. I climbed up it and looked around at the city, taking in the view. So this poem is dedicated to the Pulse victims, their families, and anyone affected by this act of terror.  

Amelika I. Kaumaha

Your Haunting

Not all haunted places are mansions.

Minds can be taken over by a ghost,

A creeping violent host.

Gnashing teeth and blood red skin,

Foam meandering down its chin.

But don’t let it have satisfaction.

Don’t let it engross all your thoughts to come.

Destroy the ghostly scum.

Family and friends help,

Trying to make the demon melt.

As the war rages inside your brain,

You cannot win, but try to bare the pain.

But it has overcome,

Your brave warriors of love,

And has destroyed you this same day.